Litany of Loss: Part I

Loss…. what does loss mean to me, wasted opportunities and missed chances. I have had a few brushes with this loss. Before delving into those experiences, i want to focus on one loss that is more of anticipation than an actual loss.

Generally, i feel, words are the weakest medium of expression. But where words are the only way of communicating, traversing time and distance, they become quite the powerful tool.

What scares me is the loss of words. From the very beginning, i have loved to scribble in my diaries. At one point it had become quite toxic. My diary entries were full of self recrimination and loathing. I was unable to prove myself in my own eyes. And that was the biggest problem.

When you keep putting yourself down, everything you believe in, or you are good at, will start gradually lessening.

Well, we were talking about loss of words. This one is one of the most frustrating losses i have to face. I am angry, sad and confused at the same time. I wouldn’t want to go back into the time where i was unable to pen down what i felt.

My writing has been my solace for years. I am ashamed to say i have abused this skill of mine to a great extent. Any quality in a person is like a sapling, if it is not watered and tended to properly, the sapling dies before it becomes a plant. This abuse cost me when words started leaving my side.

There have been times in my life, when i have faced utter darkness. I used to sit with my head in my hands, struggling to formulate a single word. I thank god for getting me over of that phase.

As a person who values her words a lot, i have realised, that i need to be thankful for this quality of mine. It is helping me grow and flourish.  I realised that I was losing my power to think, to formulate ideas, and most of all i was losing my power to express my thoughts, a quality for which I took pride in myself. I wanted to regain it.

Magic happens in an instant, life happens in a moment. Believe when people say that. Like Barney, i decided one morning, i wanted to stop being sad and start being awesome. The moment my belief in me returned, my words did too. Change is an ongoing process. I wouldn’t say that negativity still doesn’t plague me, but it does so in small measures and i am sure this will lessen with time.

Along with the anticipated loss of words, there is another loss i need to talk about. This loss fills me with happiness as it means that there is more place in my life to accommodate things that matter to me.

I have lost my negativity and i feel free. I have been in a situation where i was a prisoner of my own mind..  and now it feel s that everything is within reach.

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Disposable Life

I went to the store to buy a fountain pen for myself and the shopkeeper showed me a disposable one. The first thought that came to my mind was why would anyone want to use a Disposable Fountain Pen. Fountain pens are all about permanency, about being there always, ever since you could start thinking of owning a pen forever.

Is that what life is all about in the modern day… keeping things simple, no complications, use and throw? Why has every little thing come to be measured in terms of utility rather than longevity. if you fail to be useful you should be disposed off. even human relations are measured in the same way. One cannot be complacent about the fact that they will accepted just because they are what they are. Life has become a measuring cup and you have to reach up the set levels or standards.

Maybe its delving too deep into an insignificant thing but then what is significant in life are these small experiences..!! isn’t it??!!

a land of contradictions

It is a very fascinating country that I live in and everyday I am amazed to learn something new and gain a new perspective about the Indian society. It is a diverse and a complex social structure. we are so modern and progressive in so many ways and yet traditional and regressive at times.

It has already been expressed many times that it is country of contradictions. Indeed it is. Let alone the differences and diversity in  two different parts of the country, I believe each Indian, as an individual is also an example of how contradictions in oneself can create a unique person. Not that I am underestimating other countrymen to not be examples of contradictions, they too might be. It’s just that our belief system is so diverse that the blend of our conservative and  modern selves fascinates me. we believe in making a mark for our selves professionally but still believe that we are unable to make rational choices for ourselves personally. We dress conservatively, but our thoughts take us to a world which is more liberated that we have ever thought of.

I have met people residing in the most backward of places, with access to no modern amenities talking and practising “modern” beliefs. They talk and practice equality of ideas, equality of sexes and believe in protecting individual liberties. People who respect humankind. Then there are those who reside in the so-called metropolitan cities, have all the amenities of life and still believe that some men are born inferior us and deserve what they get because they are belong to that strata of the society.

For me freedom of thought, freedom to question our surroundings and the freedom to just be, is the ultimate type of freedom. It should not be limited just because I belong to a particular sex, a particular caste or a particular section of the society. This is the contradiction which is beyond my understanding. I know of the most regressive looking households and people who believe and practice such liberty and I also have seen and experienced very “posh” members of the society who believe that the freedom of others is a luxury that they afford them just because the other person is living in the same household such people firmly believe that the freedom given to the members belonging to the household should be controlled. I believe we can be traditional in our way of living but let us be modern enough to accept and appreciate new ideas.

Indian social structure, like many others is changing. We are trying to imbibe new things. I think we should also try to retain the liberty of thoughts that has been given to us as a gift since ancient times. That is what makes us different and unique.

If I were 22…………

It does no good to a woman to own up her age 🙂 but lets say i am not 22 and more than a decade has passed since i was….. then what have i learnt in these 10 years. What would i do right if i were 22 once again…

1. I would learn to not live in the past: Past is a mirage, the images and dreams associated with your past do you no good. Be nostalgic but don’t make nostalgia a habit. All of us would like to go back to high school… it was a time of hope and dreams… but high school has gone by, the shit happening to you today is life. Live it.

2.I would learn from my mistakes but will not keep on blaming myself for it: Everyone makes mistakes. they are the bedrock of our existence. A learning. Take them as learning and not as your failures. For every mistake you have made, make yourself a promise, never again…. but then, forgive yourself. It happens…. and it is called life

3. I will learn to love myself first: Its not selfish, it is the most basic survival technique. people will never be happy with you, you be happy with yourself and let others be damned!!! This learning has come at a great cost. If I berate myself, I give an opportunity to others to do the same to me…. So I learned to love myself, with all my shortcomings and my faults I think I am unique, and I rejoice in my uniqueness….

4. I will learn not to regret: Life is too short to keep on dreaming about “If” scenarios: Let’s admit it, we all keep on thinking, if i would have paid more attention to myself when I wouldn’t be like this today…. if so and so thing happened i would have all the happiness in world…. the “IF” didn’t happen. “THIS” is what you have. make the most of it… Life is unpredictable, the next moment might be our last…

5. Be consistent in your work commitments: I did not think before leaving perfectly good jobs for no reason, this pains me to no extent till date. It has led me to despair. Remain consistent with the first of your commitments and it generally pays off… It will never be easy as there are always adverse situations, bad boss, mad colleagues, shitty job profile, life is never perfect but you need to pull through the dirt to harvest good returns. The first job is generally the most difficult one…..Have patience and give it time, it will get better.

these are a few of my ideas, let me know what you think about it….

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